 Motherhood is more than I imagined! When my daughter was a toddler, it was so much fun and chaos at the same time! We did a lot of crafts together, read books together, baking together and adventures like hiking, vacations with my family, and local events.
Yes, one time she threw her brand new sparkle silver shoe out the car window “So my prince can find me and bring me back the slipper”(age 2.5) Yes, she peed at the library on a sofa chair like a waterfall and smiling. (Age 3) Yes, she broke my willow tree doll and found super glue, she tried to fix it herself without me knowing. Then rubbed her eye and screamed bloody murder, (not that I would know). It took my dad, my brother and I to hold her down and open her eye with warm washcloth and emergency room( I did the work, they didn’t need to do anything..It was a precaution and we learned that superglue does not damage eye sight). (Age 4.5) As she got older, less activities and less reading time together. She is more interested in making her own slime, YouTube DIY, and social time with friends. Today, we had a conference with her favorite teacher. She is doing well but needs to improve more on reading. She was the reading queen and the bookworm girl. A few weeks ago, I asked if we could read " Wonder" book together. She wasn’t interested to read it with me, I told her teacher that I offered to read the book with her. We all shook hands together to work on reading. My! It’s heaven! We read the book together out loud in bed. She pointed her finger word by word, so I would stay on track with her. She explained they read aloud in class by reading a paragraph and pass on to the next classmate. I sighed. “I know, that was a stressful time in my school years. Fourth grade and fifth grade, especially. So embarrassing to read with my speech but mostly, I was nervous the entire time trying to figure out which paragraph would be mine. I would count the students then count the paragraphs to mine and then practice in my head. Or daydream and didn’t know which was my paragraph to read- a classmate would nudge my elbow and point.” Meanwhile, Auggie introduced himself. He described himself as ordinary but others may not see him as ordinary except his parents, of course, found him extraordinary. That was exactly me. I felt ordinary, only by me. But I did not feel ordinary by others. I did feel extraordinary by my parents and family. It hit home. My daughter sensed the struggles with Auggie and I. She knew. Luckily, it was just my daughter and I. I never thought I would do this method with my daughter! She was understanding and helpful. It was a flow. My heart with love for her and our special time together overflowed.
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 Valentine’s Day is my daughter’s and my favorite day of the year. We absolutely love Christmas and Easter to celebrate for personal reasons. But Valentine’s Day is different to us, it is a day for the world to be loved and appreciated by others. It is perpetuates kindness. During school years, on this day, there is no bullying and everyone is equal. My daughter absolutely loves to shower the world with her love. This year, she had 3 different sets of cards/activities for each classmate. Maybe a slight overboard? I did not want to discourage her to do less for others.
“Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind” - Dodinsky During the ride on act of kindness and love, I always do things for others. I always help my family and friends when in need. I was my grandmother’s caregiver for few years, she had alzheimer's and she was absolutely my best friend. I am a full time single mother and full time teacher’s aide caring for the toddlers. I don’t want less, I want to do more. Meanwhile, if you know me well, you know I am not selfish and known for not setting boundaries or take time to myself to taking care for myself. “Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind” - Dodinsky “You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first” I chose to stay at home all weekend to take care of my business and catch up on things.I organized and cleaned,caught up on business projects, and the worst nightmare- my daughter’s toy room, the endless torture! But I rested along the way, it felt SO good for my soul to be on top of everything and to be rested.Unfortunately, I got a bad cold yesterday. It’s the worse with my nasal accent, my plummet failing brain focusing on auditory and communication, and motherhood when too exhausted to fix dinner. Luckily, my daughter sat by me in bed and snuggled closer after the tissue war with my nose. Silently, I slept all morning and gave myself a lavender bath. Rested all afternoon. I’m ready to return the world to give and help. Reminder for us ladies- “Be the best version of you” and “Make yourself a priority”!  After a long week at work, my work team and I met for a delicious dinner on Friday night before our evening class. It was so much fun chatting with the ladies while eating a delicious meal. We all went to Phoenix Children’s Hospital to attend an audiology seminar. I saw so many familiar faces, current and former families from our school. It was interesting learning the latest developments on an audiology process, comparisons with hearing aids, Cochlear and both (one hearing aid/1 Cochlear), and oral and sign language comparisons. When we got to the comparisons, I thought “Why am I here? I should not be here” because I have one cochlear implant and it was a strange feeling to be part of their statistics. It is not like I don't want my other ear to hear, I have health insurance issues. It is very common with other patients as we discussed health care issues. An interesting fact that was presenset was“ If a child is using technology for only 4 hours/day, it will take 6 hours for the child to hear what a typically hearing child hears in one year”. Towards to end, we watched a documentary, a film that interviewed several Deaf people. They were just like me!! They all wore their body hearing aids back in late 1970s-1980s before cool hearing aids came out. Then getting a cochlear implant later on, I started to have tears. We all have nasal speech or some kind of accent due to later implanted life compared to toddlers having cochlear implant or auditory training. Minutes went by, more tears because it was exactly what I went through- social life growing up, me discovering my deafness more by other people asking me or learning about my deafness, personal life at home, school life advocating for my needs in High school and College years, parenting: my daughter and I learning how to communicate with each other while she was learning about my deafness, and work experiences by getting discriminated at interviews and communication experiences. It was emotionally exhausting to have flashback of memories and exciting at the same time to be able to relate these people. Life will always be hard. For hearing and non hearing, no matter what. I choose joy at times like this. I told my daughter that I was crying at class (quietly) because my life was and is hard with my deafness and the children who have the latest technology and more resources are doing so much more amazing and will have less struggles. We were out the following night talking, when I blurted out “beauty school” as “booty school” pronunciation. Someone dear to us corrected me and she immediately started crying and was protecting me by saying “My mommy is deaf, she works hard, don't make fun of her!” I assured everyone that it’s okay because my mother and family still correct me sometimes, it comes from love. It shows how protective she is of me and how she’s aware of my deafness and my struggles. (That...melts… my heart.) |
AuthorHearing Impaired single mother and teacher aide at a hearing impaired oral preschool program. An author of "Turn The Lights On, I Cant Hear You". Archives
June 2019
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