Christmas was wonderful to my family and me. We all went to church together and from party to party. My calendar was looking like a tornado with all the titles of events. At the parties, I now am quiet and calmer. While growing up, sitting in a large room with the family and relatives conversations overlapping and volume of voices increasing while the lighting of the room dimming due to Christmas lights and fireplace lighting up and crackling sounds. As a teenager, I secretly panicked and was overwhelmed but I kept smiling. Mostly, I sat next to my grandmother Rose throughout the years during Christmas parties and we squeezed each others hands by signaling each other “They are crazy” “What was that?” “You doing okay?” and winked at each other.
Over the years and especially the past few years, things are different with our family. My grandma passed away a few years ago. I learned to mediate and stay quiet. Now I have my active daughter, I have to stay calm before I go cucko koo crazy and mark her memories of crazy mother going crazy. I did not want her to grow up remembering that. This Christmas, I was very calm and quiet because of so many commitments and to attend events. I sat on the floor thinking of my childhood memories growing up in Vermont and having years of “White Christmas” with my family, especially my grandmother. She was truly the light of my life and my vision and hearing. She was my device to the world.
This Christmas morning, we all were finished opening up presents except one big present that was for “The Family”. She was opening it and thinking it was for my 11.5 years old dog, Gucci. Dog toys then eventually Dog Training book. “I get it. You want me to train Gucci.” She still did not get it! My mother announced that we had an appointment to see the puppies because we are getting a new puppy. My daughter squealed! Then quickly she cried in tears of happiness!
My father, daughter and I went to see the puppies. She was in heaven and did not want to leave. We are picking up our new member on Saturday! Magical Christmas of love and sounds. We have named our new Labradoodle, Holly- Holly Holland. I like the sound of that.
We hope you all had a nice Christmas!
Do it Scared.
Love More, Worry Less.
Be open to new possibilities.
Christmas is around the corner. My mind still takes me back to my childhood memories back in Vermont, Massachusetts, and New York. If you take a look at my childhood snow globe during holiday season, you would see..
Dark silent nights of car rides driving in snow, quiet still houses with windows that have curtains and plug in candlelight sticks. Hearing the window wipers swishing back and forth to wipe the soundless snow.
White hills of snow where it welcomes my brother, friends and I to go sledding. My cold bones and bright pink cold skin. My hearing aids would get clogged up, it sounded hazy. From hours of the wetness cold air.
The sounds of fire crackles and rustles of newspapers on our wood burning stove every Christmas morning at five am before we drive to New York to be with my grandparents.
I had hearing aids until I was 15 years old, I got one cochlear implant which was my choice. Two weeks before my surgery was in mid December, my father and I would go for evening walks and look at Christmas lights. It was a new tradition. Symbol of new things ahead. My Cochlear Implant. The night before the surgery, my brother walked in to get his jacket to go out with college friends. He took a moment and comforted me when I cried in fear about the surgery. My mother was my nurse when I had to stay in bed for two weeks. (Back in 2000, cochlear implant surgeries were a lot different than today).
Ability to hear my daughter’s voice, watch Christmas magic plays and sightings with her, sing along songs with my preschoolers. Example:“Jingle Bells”. I never really heard and understood Christmas music when I was little.
I am thankful for my family who walked beside me during my hearing loss journey building my strength to where I am at today.
I am thankful for my daughter being patient with my hearing loss.
I am thankful for my staff for the Christmas season of learning Frosty Snowman and Jingle Bells music. I’m like the big Elf learning the music and storytelling with the hearing impaired kiddos!
Merry Christmas to you all, my followers. Thank you for your support of Business Boutique Love, Ashlee Rose! There is still time for last minute shopping on my website.
Laying in my bed looking at my Christmas tree. Yes, it is in my bedroom. Since I became a single mother when my daughter was 16 months old, we moved in with my parents. I wanted my daughter to remember I provided our own Christmas tree and traditions. We collected ornaments every year on our trips or were given as gifts to us. She still wants a tree in the bedroom. Which I love!
Above the window, I have a wood sign that says “love more, worry less”. Daily spirals of single motherhood working at a job, running a business at home, and raising my daughter is my completely normal routine. But this month is holiday month, gearing up for Christmas, parties to attend, plays to attend to keep traditions, daughter’s extracurricular holiday activities like the violin concert, nurturing her the past 48 hours when she had fever and stomach flu (endless laundry- the mothers would know what this means!), pack and unpack trip- now we are packing for Legoland trip to go tomorrow after work, I worry “Can I make it through today?!” ,“There is so much to do today”, “I can’t get it done by tonight”. Stop. I must “love more, worry less”. All these things are temporary, I must stay in the moment and love more. Show more love. Give more love. Say things in more love. Feel more love. Erase my fears and worries. Slow down. See the beauty of December.
Last night, my mother took my daughter and I to a Christmas play. My! It was magical. Every scene was beautiful. I felt the joy of the holidays. The joy of being a family. I was thankful for my mother to take us (a break from sickness, school and work life, the phone and technology). Just to be together and watch a theatre play. Every scene brought me memories of growing up as a deaf child. I will share why in a different blog soon!
I am thankful for traditions with my daughter and family.
I am thankful for my village- my parents, brother and daughter.
I choose joy, do it scared, love more and worry less.
Another week has gone by already! Here’s to a Thankful Thursday. Since then, I have been busy with work, running my online shop business, raising my energetic, playful, ponderous daughter, and the elf has arrived!
Since my conversations with women in my community this past week, the main topic is “Do it scared” I shared. I continue to choose joy on daily basis since my Nashville trip! Now here is another thing I learned from Christy Wright, women are more fearful, risk averse, and never want to make mistakes twice. She explained fear is a sign that we are doing something bold, and fear is something to face. Throughout our journey, we could practice to outrun fear but will have nerves again at some point. Since I sat in the front row, throughout three days of conference and speakers; I saw speakers rubbing their hands or pacing back and forth anxiously waiting to speak. They spoke very well, you would never know their fears. On their Instagram, their photo would have “Do it scared!”. She said you don’t have to wait until it is perfect timing or if it’s perfect enough. I knew instantly what recent event I experienced on that topic!
When I started the business, it took me few months to look at resources, emails, comparison with companies to get shirts printed, then materials to present my business, I created the website, took photos of shirts, it was ready to be launched! So my parents took my daughter and I out for dinner celebration, my father asked me if I announced my business on social media. At the moment, I did not. Why? I was scared it wasn’t perfect enough, it wasn’t good enough, and what would people think? The next day, I announced it right after work and had to go pick my daughter up from summer camp to outdoor swim lesson in 118 degrees weather. My heart pounded from my chest, my legs shaked, and my hands sweated. I was trying to drive. I prayed. All these calmed down instantly! I did it scared.
Maybe every day, I have to do it scared. Meanwhile, I remain thankful.
I am thankful for my business trip, I learned so much about myself.
Yesterday, I was thankful for food on table, car to drive to work and home. Throughout the crazy evening, (my tireless daughter chasing me around after her math tutoring and had a friend over) she and I played a game she created to see if we think alike and we do! We bonded.
Today, I am thankful for seeing my daughter perform her violin at the concert. I am thankful for my cochlear implant to hear the sounds of instruments and even hear her.
Tomorrow, I will continue to choose joy and do it scared while I will find a moment whether big or small to be thankful.
Hearing Impaired single mother and teacher aide at a hearing impaired oral preschool program. An author of "Turn The Lights On, I Cant Hear You".