balance

Here we go again, consistency is hard. Do you ever feel you work on a goal then it drifts off eventually? I have a lot of goals. I am very driven. I am obsessed with completing my duties such as mother, employee and owner. I love to help, I strive for the best, and I want to do more. I don’t want my deafness to limit me.

This is an image- me in mommy hair bun, work out clothes and sneakers to push myself and running around. My lists are getting too long. Obviously, we are back to school. Three to four hours of homework. Exhausting. Thank goodness, one of the mothers who was my roommate on girl scout camping gave me tips on online grocery shopping- I ended up ordering online a few times already to make my life easier. Guilty but loving it. Do you feel you have lunches to make, pack snacks, errands, laundry, and charging Processors/packing hearing aid batteries in bag to be secured- I can be guilty that I run low on my battery, but I am still old fashion gal and still love my disposable batteries. The “fish stickers” it excited me to peel them off!

Slow down. I stopped and realized I am back in not so balance cycle again. One moment, I will not lie. My daughter got frustrated that I could not come to her right away to help her to do something.To her, I was emotionally unavailable. I explained. There is only me. ME. To do everything by myself. There isn't a husband to help me to split the duties or to be there for us. I am picking up while I am explaining to her, I point to her there is no husband next to me so I do it all. My large mommy bun is tilting to left side slipping down away from the rubber band. And of course, the joy of communicating is telling her she needs to step up on doing her chores to relieve me and build her own independence skills (SLOWLY).

So, I pulled out a blank journal and decided to write my goals. I listed my goals. Yes, I am the mother here who is OCD with lists. If I am not organized, I’m slightly fragile. If I don’t complete the list, I feel like a failure. I realized they are just lists. It does not defines me. Balancing defines me. Again, I have to take care of myself before others so I can serve. I wrote down what I can do for myself, what can I do if I get stressed even as a mother “Go to my bedroom for 5 minutes and meditate”!  It is also setting boundaries and setting myself up to be committed to myself to the best version I can be and find the outcome results.
I now have been writing my journal daily to hold me accountable, this is what I write-

1. My work goals,on daily basis,  have I completed them? List special moments.
2. My motherhood goals, how did my daughter do today? Activities. Homework.How did I handle situations? What is a special thing she did for me/ how did she melt my heart/ what did I do for her? Etc.
3. My business. Did I set hours to be balance and give my daughter attention? What did I do for business (packages/emails/clients/designs/blogs/post offices/printing shop). I believe in God, so I think he is the owner of the business and I am the operator here on Earth running the business and trust him and his plans.
4. My list of what I have done to still be organized and reduce cleaning by vacuuming other few days and keeping bathroom cleaned.
5. Did I meditate? What did I do for myself? I used to sketch and free writing until I lost balance repeatedly.
6. Most importantly, I write what I am thankful for each day! I find it very peaceful because it connects to my heart and mind to what I have done and my time with loved ones as life is precious and we do forget to count our blessings and sometimes, we don’t appreciate each day.

When I write, it shows me where my minutes are being spent on daily basis, gives me an overview that I can reflect on things and find my balance, and it may feel like I haven’t done much but when looking at it, it shows. Most importantly, it shows what I have done for myself to nourish my soul and to stay healthy. It keeps track of my treasures, the special moments. Letting the lists go allows me to spend more time with my daughter, relaxing, reading new books, sketching and new hobbies!